Intentions¹

• Be mindful of the type of conversation, even as it shifts and evolves.
• The connection (relationship) matters far more than the content that flows through it.
• Each communication is an opportunity to strengthen and develop the bandwidth and integrity of the connection (relationship).
• If there is no mutual respect, it probably doesn't make sense to engage (or continue to engage).
• Virtues and values to keep top of mind: kindness, generosity, sincerity, earnestness, care, honesty, integrity, humility, curiosity, friendliness, open-mindedness, rigor, compassion, forgiveness, loyalty, impeccability, thoughtfulness, consideration, and above all, love.

Listening

• Employ Rule Omega (and disengage with those who seek to weaponize this concept).
• Assume everyone is trying to express something meaningful and listen to isolate the signal from the noise.
• If it's worth engaging, it must be worth listening through possible grievance-induced exaggerations and distortions to find meaningful truths.
• Listen to steelman the other persons position.
• Tacit knowledge (lived experience) can be hard to articulate. Listening well and asking questions can help elucidate it.

Speaking

• Speaking is not the same as communicating. If the message you intend is not received, you are speaking without communicating. Take responsibility to communicate effectively.
• Use language that engenders openness rather than defensiveness.
• Do not use absolutes (always, never, the reality is…) as they come across as power plays.
• Do not entangle important points with subtle criticisms such that it is impossible for the other person to accept the point without losing face.
• Avoid attitudes of righteousness, superiority, dismissiveness, overconfidence, and indifference.
• Beware emotive (Russell's) conjugation.
• Slow down (especially when things get hot). Take the time to formulate your speech with clarity and precision.
• Admit ignorance of words and concepts you do not understand and ask for clarification.
• Give credit rather than seek it.

Conversational Traps

• Throwing aside your intentions when things get hot.
• Ad hominem attacks.
• Strawmanning.
• Mistaking and rationalizing poor behavior for passion.
• Justifying poor behavior because the other person's views are "bad" (and they deserve it).
• Using humor to insult the other with plausible deniability.
• Thinking about what you're going to say when the other person is talking.

Footnotes

1. Almost all principles on this page are (edited) from "A few guidelines that tend to support the quality of dialogue" by Daniel Schmachtenberger. ↩